She doesn't know why, but she doesn't have anything better to do anyway. She ran to her bedroom, clutching her bookbag and set it leaning against her desk as she took a seat at her computer. She turned it on with a "clawed" finger and a serious expression. She then proceeded to log onto her instant messaging system. She never knew why she did. She thought she knew when two windows appeared on her screen, because the new online company made her feel secure. This was because she was a lonely person. Hours passed, and eventually the group she at first was speaking to had changed. Like her life.
Her life was full of all sorts of ups and downs, in which most of the downs she almost couldn't handle. She was lonely, very lonely. She used to have 7 best friends--now she doesn't even know if she has any friends at all. She brings this thought to school everyday with her as she sits by herself in each class. Religion, Spanish, English, Biology, Geometry, Drawing and Driver's Ed. The sadness she felt during Drawing class was most severe; drawing was her way out, but in this case she only felt trapped. She even sat by herself during lunch today. The only interesting thing that happened to her during those 30 minutes was when she struck conversation with a young man nicknamed "Mitch", whom she let copy her geometry homework. She just doesn't feel normal.
As a matter of fact, she feels like she doesn't want to grow up. She covets the days when she was a child in New York, passing by and staring at the gasoline rainbows as she walked with her grandfather to school on broken sidewalks. She misses the mean librarian that wouldn't let her draw even when there was nothing to do. She wants to go back to the days where she'd play an on-land Sharks and Minnows session during gym and the rainy days that were spent inside the auditorium, applying crayons to her coloring books. She wants to go back to the class where that braided Alex was with his baby alligator pet, and Ivan, that mushroom-cut haired kid that was obsessed with Ivan Ooze and Jurassic Park. She doesn't want to grow up. She wants to go into a coma. She wants to stay where she is in life, happy and oblivious to the changes around her. She doesn't want to be in the world but she doesn't want to die.
She doesn't even know what she dreams of anymore. She wanted to be a marine biologist, she wanted to be a pharmacist, she wanted to be a comic book artist, she wanted to be so many things. But what she really wants to do, at this very moment, is to just run through your door and cry at your house. She wants to collapse from exhaustion right in front of you, with her eyes red and her nose stuffing up. When she cries, she wants to seem like she's crazy so that she has a reason for doing this. She wants to bawl right before your eyes because no one else knows what she's thinking. She wants to cry until she goes to sleep. I don't know why, but I don't have anything better to do anyway.